「天国でのメモ」～My eternal hope～
彼は、自分の心の中で思った全ての事をメモし、そのメモを自分の作品として認めようと志していた。しかし、太宰治という作家が言ったように、どうしても手の動きが心の動き（心が言葉を出す動き）に付いて来れずに、瞬間瞬間の連続において自分の心中で想った（心中に出て来た）言葉の全てをメモに落して（書き込んで）行く事は出来なかった。やってみたが出来ない、と感じていたのだ。彼は絶望した。太宰治（かれ）が言う事は尤もだ、本当だ、等と言いながら、日々生活をする内、それでも何とかして、当の目的、「心の中で思った全ての事をメモし、そのメモを自分の作品として認める」とする自称・作家としての自分の夢を叶える為に、自分の納得する方法の模索を始めた。（自分の書くべきものを書きながらも、）それに日々を費やす事となった。
その間に、彼は『夢日記』という作品をほぼ連日、書き溜めて行く事となる。その『夢日記』を書く合間に『思記』を書く、といったような、そんな日々を過ごして行った（ここに記している様な事柄を連続して記して行くのが『思記』である）。しかし、中々、上手く行かない。〝心の中に湧き出る言葉・想いを纏めれば、或いは、当の目的に代替する手法を以て物を書く事が出来るのかも知れない〟等と考えたが、それは当の目的から外れてしまう「手法・その手法に依る産物」（もの）だった。彼が当の目的を設ける上で夢に見ていたのは、〝心の中に浮き出るもの、全てを白紙に書き写す〟であり、纏めて仕舞うと、その結果だけが浮き彫りに成る・表れる事となり、何故そうなるのか？と言う、結果までの経過を書く事が出来なくなる、と考えられた為である。それでは〝纏める意味が無い〟、そう考える様になった彼は、又、心中に湧き出る言葉の全てを、結果へ辿り着く迄の経過として記さねば成らぬ、と改めて考えるに至った。
そんな右往左往する日々を過ごしている時、彼に、彼にとってそれまで見た事も感じた事も無い様な、夢の様な空間が開けて、その空間の内には、『ドラえもん』という漫画に出て来る〝どこでもドア〟の様なドアが在った。彼はその空間に気付く、と言うよりも、自然にその空間に誘われた、と言う方が自然の感覚を得、当たり前の様に、その空間の内にそのドアが在る事に気付いたのである。それほど悩んで居た彼であった為、〝何故こんな所にこんな空間があるんだ？何故、こんなドアが在るんだ？〟等とは考えず、自分にとって都合の好い様に〝これはきっと、神様が俺の為に「仕方が無いから」と用意して下さったもので、これで俺の「作家」は助かるのだろう…〟等と、確信に近い思惑・想いに瞬時に駆られた。その空間は、彼が仕事部屋に居ればその隣室、その隣室に居れば作業部屋にと、その時は決って、彼が居る部屋の隣室に在った。その空間とはまるで深夜の漆黒の暗闇の内に浮き出た様な外観を取る上で、その空間の周囲・或いは頭上から人工の照明（あかり）が差し、近しい者がテーブルに鳩首して何か相談事を為している様な、そんな臨場の様子の内に在る物であって、彼はその臨場に浮んだ〝変った空間〟を「自分にだけ宛てられた特別な空間・宝物」として、密かにとても喜んでいた。〝これで、神様のお蔭で、自分は助かった…否、俺の身内（なか）に住む「作家」は助かった。〟そう、彼はその空間を見付けた後でも何度も考え、思っていた。そしてその「空間」はときが経つにつれ、例えば彼が仕事部屋に居るときでも、その同じ仕事部屋に在るといった様な、その外観（すがた）を彼に対して瞬時にでも隠さない、彼にとってより身近な存在として現れる存在（もの）と成って行った。彼はその「空間」を使いたいとき、何時でも身近にその「空間」が存在する故、より手近にその存在（もの）を使えるように成って行った。その「空間」とは結局、作家として在る彼の作業過程の要素（パーツ）として存在するに至った訳である。
その空間に開けたドアは、天国へ通ずるドアだった。しかしその事実に彼はその時、未だ、気付いていない。〝どこかの空間・世界に通ずるドア〟程度に想う事にし、その空間の形容に「天国」という言葉を持って来る事を少し、畏れた。しかし彼はその心情の内で、そのドアを潜り抜けて辿り着く場所が「天国」だという事に薄ら気付いていた。
〝（ドアを潜り抜けて辿り着く場所に居ながら）ここに、これまで俗世で見て来た死人達が生者（聖者）として、又、その功績が、沢山、そのままの形で置かれて在るんだろうな…早く、この世界を多少なりとも、把握したい。この世界を自分は牛耳ってみたい…否、この世界と俗世とを行き来出来る作家と成りたい…ここに神様は居るのだろうか？もし居る、否、居られるとすれば、俺はその神様を畏れなくては成らない…、俺は俗世で、本当、数々の悪行・悪業を為して（成して）来ている…それを神が見逃す筈が無い…神は、俺の全てを御存知であるのだ。その事を、俺が現世で為して来た事を、神は許して下さるのだろうか…、否、許してくれるにしても、俺は何等の罰を受けねば成らぬのかも知れぬ…、それは怖いものだ…。否しかし、事ここに及んでは、俺にはそんな事について考える余裕なんて無い。そんな事を考える「必然」を、俺は今未だ、手にして居ないのだ。何故、ここにこんな空間が在って、又、その以前に、何故俺はこの俗世、地球に生れて居たか、について究明する事さえ出来ないでいるのだから、そんな経緯の延長において、神様の事や悪魔の事、天国と…地獄の事…、否又この俗世の事等について、考える余裕など無い筈なのだ。そんな余地など在る筈ないのだ。
俺ははっきり言って、無知だった。見知らぬ間に、勝手に「罪人」にされて居たのかも知れない。俺の経験からして、その事は肯定され得る。否でもしかし、聖書が地球には置かれて在った…、神は既に俺に、御自分の御意志を俺に明示して下さって居た…。その事実（こと）が在る以上、俺はここ（この空間）で、果して真面にやって行く事が出来るのだろうか…？それを考えると、まっこと、不安である。俺の「悔い改め」は足りているのだろうか…不安だ…。ここに、どんな規律が在るのだろうか？（何も分からない）しかし俺は作家だ。作家として現在（いま）此処に在る。この偶奇にしてチャンス、この機会を逃す手は無い。逃す訳には行かない…！如何にかして、俺は日々埋れていたあの懊悩（なやみ）から脱出できる契機をこの地（空間）で見付けねば成らぬ…、手に取らねば成らぬ…、それがきっと、この奇跡の様な空間を俺に与えて下さった神に依る御意志、神が俺に臨んで居られる事、神に依って与えられたこの空間と出会った現在（いま）の俺がしなくては成らない（嗣業とも似た）するべき仕事なのだろう…！！この契機が俺に与えられている事実を見れば、俺はもしかして、神に依り既に許されて居るのではなかろうか？果して今は結局、わからないが―――〟、これ等の追想は、現世における彼の思惑の内で、永遠に繰り返された―――。
〝此処がどこであるのか、等は如何でもいい。問題は、ここにこんな空間が在る、という事なのだ。俺がこれを活かすかどうか、という事に在るのだ。この空間は、今目の前に見えている様に、間違い無く神から俺に与えられた物、恵みであるのだ。俺の意識は、この空間を必然的に見る定めに在った。これが俺の運命であった訳だ。否、「運命」等という言葉は遣いたくない。これが俺に与えられた神に依る恵みなのである、ギフトなのである！「俺」という「作家」は、この空間を通して物を書く、書き続ける生き物で在る訳だ。この空間とは、「俺」という「作家」が物を書く際の、必須のアイテムの様な、無くては成らない、〝ペンと紙〟の様な存在なのだろう。この空間は、現行（いま）に、俺の手許に吸収された！「俺」という「作家」は、この現世と天国とを行き来出来る「空間」を通して作品を書き続ける新たな能力を得た「作家」と成り得た！否、「新たな能力」ではない、俺にとっては（俺の為に）必然として在った能力である。やった！！俺は俺の持つ、本来の作家に返り咲く事が出来得たのだ！！〟
ここまで想った事は彼にとって瞬時の事柄としてあり、空間・ドアを見付けた瞬間直後の彼の心中にここまで詳細に（鮮明に）思われた事ではない。これ等は、現世と天国とを行き来出来る「空間・ドア」を現世から幾度か潜り抜ける行為を持った後で彼の心情に想われた事柄である。又はこの瞬間に、無意識の内に彼に思われて居た事柄であり、無意識故に、その後に彼により気付かれた事柄達である。
彼は何の気なしに、この「空間・ドア」を潜り抜けた。その空間・ドアの向うには、夢に描いて来た様な、真昼の空に虹の架かった、まるで無限に広がる草原の景色が拡げられて在り、又、その景色とは、幾重にも彼の意識に跨って居たかの様に、瞬時にぴゅんぴゅん変る物でもあった（しかしその〝草原の景色〟はまるでその彼の着想・未知の着想の土台の様にして在り、全く失われる風景ではなかった。何度も変るその風景の土台にも、そうした〝草原の景色〟はきちんとどこか、根付いて在る物だった）。彼は律儀に、何か、分らないその場の規則にでも従うかの様にして、そのだだっ広い草原の一場所に自分の書斎を設けた気色を見せながら、現世で書き続けて来た物の続きを認めて行った。否実際には、認めて行く素振りを見せていた。未だその時は、書く為の〝ペンと紙〟が自分の手許に揃って居なかったからだ。でもそのうち揃う、と彼はどこかで確信していた。その彼に〝ペンと紙〟が揃った時、何者かが彼の目前（まえ）に現れた。天使か、イエス様か、神の様だった。恐らく、マリアではない。その何者か知れぬ存在が、彼に、
「これはお前の望んでいた景色であろう。望んでいた光景であろう。ほらご覧、ここにお前が俗世、いや基い、現世において、心中でずっと認めて来た言葉・その数が記されたノオトも在る。お前の想った・考えて来た想い・言葉は決して無駄では無かったよ。此処にこうして、見える・読める形を以て存在しているのだから。書くがよい。お前は書かねば成らぬ。私もお前に、それを望んでいる。書くがよい。その事が、お前の望むように、その望んだ通りに成るだろう。現在（いま）お前の望んだ事が、私にはわかるのだ。」
薄ら、光の様な、後光・前光の様なまばゆさに巻かれてその存在は、威厳を以て、彼にそう言った。彼は嬉しくなった。泣くほどに嬉しがっていた。何か自分が、救われた気がした。又、彼の欲望心から、自分が他人をその他大勢に出来た、特別な立場・環境を手にした気分にさえ襲われていた。少々の、否、多大な優越感が彼の心中には在った訳である。その「気分」が〝天使か、イエス様か、神の様な存在〟に気付かれていたかどうかは、彼にはわからなかった。彼の傍（よこ）に置かれた膨大な大きさのメモ帳（ノオト）には、確かに、これまで彼が現世で（現世に憶えた夢の内でさえも）想い、考えて来て、呟いて来た事柄・言葉達がきちんと整列して表記されていた。誰がこの様に綺麗に編集し列挙したのか、彼には詳細に分らなかったが、恐らく、神の使いである存在（もの）達、或いはイエス様が、成してくれたのかも知れない、等と彼は暗黙の内に考えたり想ったりしていた。
そしてそのメモ帳（ノオト）は、その彼の傍（よこ）に置かれた一冊だけではなく、その後にその存在が（或いは経過が）見せてくれた「彼用の書庫」に、果てが見えない程の整列を以て、きちんと並べ置かれて在ったのだ。その時にはその「メモ帳（ノオト）」は、きちんと収納され得るように分厚い何かの全集、或いは余程に分厚い辞書、又、図書館で見知った「角川日本地名大辞典」の体をして、その配架の終りが見得ない、整然とした静かな景色を見せていた書架に収められていた。書架は雲の上に、浮ぶようにして建てられて在る。そしてその「メモ帳（ノオト）」には、彼が現世における歴史に見て来た偉大な哲学書・歴史書の体を持ちながらきちんと巻数が明記されて在り、又、そうした完璧に見える編集の体裁から、分厚い皮の表紙を一つ捲れば、著者・編集者・出版場所・初版・等の書物の紹介についても、きちんと（俺の為に、又、何等かの事の為に）明記されているのだろう、と彼は暗黙の内に確信出来ていた。
現世で彼から出た心の叫び・夢・事柄・言葉達は、彼が現世で想い、考えていた通りに、膨大な物だった。その〝膨大〟を余程に（彼に）想わせる物だった。その空間において彼は、現世で憶えた様な、書く事への億劫を感じずに在った。全ての障害が吹っ切れた気が、彼はしていた。
彼は現世に還って来て居た。彼はその「空間」で憶えたのと同じ嬉しさを思った。彼の功績は、その「空間・ドア」を通して、現世と天国において、約束されたのだ。そしてその作品の出来不出来とは、彼と、あの時彼の目前（まえ）に現れた存在にしかわかり得ないものであり、他人（ひと）にはわからなかった。
He hoped to jot to the memo pad all words that are caused from his mind. However, like being seen in the word of Dazai, all words were not brought by his hands because his deed could not follow to the change of his mind. He had thought that these deeds were waste due to those phenomena. He was disappointed. Nevertheless, he continued seeking the ways for making sense while confirming the maxim of salaf. He was compelled to engage to the job that should be completed eagerly while seeing his disappointed. He found the new trial work that was called as "Yume Nikki" during seeking it. And then, he had written it almost spending every times of a day. In short, he had written "Yume Nikki" in the intervals of drawing the "Emotional description". In the "Emotional Description", these like sentences that were written here are written. But, that attempt could not be advanced as going away from my wish. I thought that summary is the better way, but then, I was aware that this way will be derailed from the original hope. By summarizing, the course from the premise all would be lost. He thought so. In this "Yume Nikki", in the case that all courses were lost by summary, cannot be making sense at all. He who thought those tried to show all words that brought from his mind while improving his stance that was seen ever.
One day, he found the new door that is able to show the road to Heaven during straying. This door was resembling to the door that was seen in the comic of Doraemon. Speaking exactly, he naturally was fascinated by the door, and therefore it didn't mean that he was aware to the door consciously. Therefore, he did not question the reason of the existence of door or space, and in addition, thought that the door or space were brought by God because he simultaneously was so disappointed. These thoughts were brought from his conviction. And the special space always existed in the next door to the room where he existed. He was feeling the nostalgia that was brought from his past and was seeing the scenery that familiar persons are consulting intimately in surrounding a table that was lighted by fluorescent lamp, so he secretly was so glad. In those opportunity, he could feel the grace that is brought from God and could think about the relief of the spirit of the artist. He thought so again and again after finding those. And in addition, over the time, those special spaces began to be recognized in the room where he was in. That appearance of the special space began to be recognized clearly more than past. He always could make use of the special space because it existed in the nearer space from him. And in addition, that special space began to exist as the element that will be used in when composing the artistic works.
That door that was opened in the special space was recognized by nature as phase that is able to lead him to Heaven. But he was not aware to that thing in that point. He somewhat had guessed the special door that will be able to show the stair to Heaven, but in this point, he was fearing that thinking so. Therefore, in that time, he thought that this door simply can lead him to the other space or other world. However, the content that was carved in the door was not false.
When he existed in unknown place after going through the special door, he wondered about the people that exist in his mind. And in addition, he hoped to grasp the world and began to wonder about that people known by him exist or not in that world. By almighty power that is seen in God, he was threatened awfully because he has done many sinful deeds in human world. Therefore, he secretly was paying attention to the appearance of God in that unknown world. His annoyance would be continued forever. How are many sins treated? Should I do while facing to human sin? Can I do anything while facing to the grace of God? Is human sin solved? What is the difference between human world and Heaven? What exists between both? How can people be lead themselves to Heaven? Maybe that power comes from Heaven. People can think about these because the power of God comes to this world from Heaven now. Maybe, the fear that is shared to people would be continued forever while living in this world. People cannot maintain the way to solve the enigma that would be gotten by disclosing the mass of thread. In his mind, such thinking was rolling again and again. Human being cannot explain oneself. People cannot explain the reasons why people were born in this world. People cannot know about the reasons why life was brought by someone from where to where. But, he already is facing to the new world that would be brought from God. In this point, he cannot be maintaining leeway to find the ways that are caused from misrepresenting. He absolutely cannot maintain the leeway for thinking about such a thing because the content of people is recognized as so. I was ignorant clearly. In the unknown period, I might have been shaped as a sinner. According my thought, this would be affirmed. However, a holy bible was been readied for human in this world. Maybe God was showing me own truth. According to this acknowledgement, my deeds would be denied. This is the anxiety that is brought from sincere mind. Does my penitence satisfy the gap between grace and sin? I am in anxiety. What rules are placed between both? And again I was annoyed. What rule is there in this place? But, I am an artist. I exist as a writer now. In short, I hope to record these feelings that are brought from the supernatural phenomena. I should not be missed this opportunity. I can't miss this expectation. At any rate, in this special space, I should be sought my ways to escape from the circle of sin while improving my stance against erroneous ways. I should take the ways of justice. Maybe, I think that these phenomena would be brought to me as will of God. I will continue thinking forever, to take the ways for my job that exists in this special space that would be given by God. That job is resembling to the heritance that was caused by God from ancient times. I can guess that I already was forgiven by God when seeing this special space. Sure enough, I cannot comprehend the enigma that was caused from unknown time. These reminiscences, in this world, were rethought in his mind again and again. Thinking about place doesn't mean anything. The problem is the existence of this special space. The worth is grasped by my deciding. This special space is the gift that was given by God and it can be recognized as the superior grace by the visible appearance. My consciousness was given the special space naturally. This is my fortune. But I don't want to use a word of "fortune". This was the grace that was given by God, and this was my gift by God. I who was recognized as a writer am a creature who forever draws many artistic works while going through this special space. This special space would exist as the essential goods like a pen or a paper. This special space was absorbed in my hands now. I was able to gain the throne of the writer who can draw many artistic works while passing through the door that always can lead me to Heaven! It isn't the new energy. It was given to me as my ability inevitably. Great! I have been able to return to my original stance of artist!
These his thoughts were in the moment, and he could not think about these recognitions when finding the door or space. These essential thoughts were recognized by him after visiting to both of Earth and Heaven again and again. In when seeing from another view point, these properties were recognized in his unconscious in moment, so he already might had recognized those and might had been reported information by himself then. He was making use of this special door naturally. In the space beyond of this door, his imagination that was shown ever was spreading out, and the scenery was showing the sky that has rainbow over the prairie, and those sceneries frequently were changed by the many layers that had been striding on his remembrances. (However, those sceneries were based on his consciousness like the existing inspiration or unknown base, so those weren't lost at all. Therefore, the sceneries that frequently were changed seemed to be based on his composition firmly.) He, in another dimension, had shown the appearance of the artistic writer as obeying to some rules of the special world. He was doing that deed while seeming to show that his atelier was provided on the prairie. But in fact, his deed of writing was imitation. It is because writing utensils weren't readied for him at that time. But he was believing that writing utensils would be readied soon. At that time when these were readied for him, someone appeared before him. It was like appearance of angel or Jesus or God. Maybe it was not Virgin Mary. The existence's words were like below.
This scenery surely is due to your ideal imagination that was hoped by yourself until now. Look at this. This is your note that all words of yourself were written in lower bound. Your hope was not wasted at all. You would understand it by recognizing this visible evidence. I hope that you continue to draw many works. You should write your own in nature. You must write. Surely, your hope would be completed in the future. I can know that you are thinking now.
Majesty, in dim light, said that my ability to write should be recognized by own. That was holy light. He was glad to be able to recognize the light. That delight was tremendous one for him. And then, he felt own relief at that time. And in addition, he also felt his survival that was caused from human rules by his desire. In his mind, that is, the tremendous sense of superiority had voiced his survival. However, he did not comprehend the identity of his thoughts. According to his thoughts, it might be brought from the power of angel or Jesus or God. All words that were thought by him in this world certainly neatly were written in the big note pad. He did not understand the ways of jotting, but he began to think about supernatural phenomena and then began to feel about the apostle that is able to help his ideal. In addition, his book stack was not one, and numerous book stacks were lined up behind the visible one. He was not aware to that condition. His notes neatly were accommodated in many stacks with taking the suitable style of the complete works or Kadokawa Japan places Dictionary. That dictionary was known well by him in some libraries. The line-up was endless. And these stacks were built on the cloud while showing the dreamy scenery. In addition, number of turns were specified in all his notebooks and all his books neatly were edited like the official style like the philosophy book or history book, and scrivener matters were been added to those. He was comprehending about those phenomena that maybe would be edited by holy style to get something from nature. All words and the quantity of books were tremendous scenery as he thought in the lower bound. That is, it means dream or words or his consciousness. That amount was beyond his expectation. In that space, he was not feeling embarrassment in acts of writing. His sense was not meeting with the bad feeling of the lower bound. He was feeling that embarrassment were wiped off.
He felt amenity when returned from the special space. His achievements or efforts were to be praised in the future. In addition, this sense of his written was comprehended by Holy spirits but was not understood by human being that lives in the lower bound.
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